For anyone interested i have a new lj, add if u wish stoned_on_sugar

Long time, no speak. I was nudged by Stacey.... so here I am again.

Let's see, been working lots, creating trouble lots and not doing lots of college work.

Only 6/7 weeks left til I leave college...whoop! Tis awesome.

Need to find my tracking number for ucas as well, haven't heard anything from LCF and they've prob just rejected me without me realising!

Let's see, me and emo-boy had an awesome night out together last week with christy. Me and him ended up at a friends house and had wonderful sex. I like him soo much but I so hate the situation we're both in =( otherwise things would be fine, altho i could prob ignore my situation, i don't think he could as much...

I also had sex with the ex, he has a girlfriend and it's not my fault! Well, that he cheated on her, i kinda feel bad now though, he should tell her, it's not fair, i hate that he's lying to her and i don't even know her, it's really not right!

Me and Brad...erm, i need to think of a nickname for him....the name Brad reminds me of barbie and ken so, i think, barbie-boy. Yes. That may change however.
So barbie-boy and me keep speaking more and more and he was a bit of a dick about his ex but we kissed loads last time i saw him out and as i said, we keep speaking and he said he's gonna take me out for lunch lol.

Emo-boy is the one i want though...it's distressing me. in the lowest form of distress there is of course.


-Friday night i went to london to see DJ Tiesto. He was really, really awesome. I'm not a massive fan of house but everyone was raving and it was crazy.
-Went on til 6am! Had got about 7 hours sleep, went to college all day, went to london, ate, got to ally pally about half 11, left at 6am, got home at 9am, went to bed til 6pm.
-Went to ann summers party....fit new underwear i bought has cherries on them!
-and came home, spoke to barbie-boy for ages,
-started watching some crazy french film i got a little while ago.
-Went to bed 1am
-Got up at 10am and been at the spa all day.

Awesome.

Well, I was in hospital yesterday for 2 and a half hours!

I've never read 'Good Housekeeping' before but the thought was starting to become appealing due to the stupidly long-time i had to wait around in between seeing doctors and nurses and surgeons.

We also read Saga magazine which is really just a magazine for old people to complain about the modern world and young people. Haha.


When I had my initial first poking and prodding I almost laughed because it really tickled.

Then when I had an ultrasound, the oil was really cold, but it smelt like baby oil...mmmm, and it hurt as well =(

So yeah, gotta go back in two months, may have it removed under general aneasthetic, joys.

Oh, on the plus, obviously, it's not cancer. Most likely.

I couldn't sleep monday night and was crying loads worrying about it. Blah.

At least I don't have to worry about that for a while.


In other news, my sister had pre-cancerous cells that had to be burnt off and she has to go back in 6 months. I have a feeling it's going to come back.


i'm in a really weird state of mind at the moment. Things seem a bit unreal and strange. Life is painful right now.





EDIT: I now think this sounds like I'm pregnant.... I'M NOT

I'm at college at present, waiting for someone to call me so we can go eat lush pancakes again. yum.

Oh, I've totally failed college as well...whoops. Well, i say whoops, I guess it's quite a big deal, well, maybe. I'm kinda dissapointed but i've hated most of it minus my friendlings so i'm not so aggrevated.

Now I have to learn how to save money. Joys.

Oh, and i found out yesterday, two things, one, my sister's boyfriend (non-gay sister) is having charges pressed against him for assult while pissed outta his brains altho he doesn't have a temper at all, etc, etc. My parents don't know though, oh how i love knowing things others don't.

The other is that she went for a smear test and has to go back in because there are 'abnormal' cells. Why, why, why. She has to go back in on monday, i'm at hospital tuesday. I don't understand this world sometimes.

Oh, and I spoke to Brad again last night for aaages. And i'm standing by what i said before, it's really scary how similar we are.

We have the same poster of a moulin rouge painting that we both bought in paris, both near the notre dame, both possibly in the same shop.
We're both in the same place with regard to relationships atm, well, kinda, we're both fucked in the head anyway.
We both love the word 'buff'.
And other not so significant things.

Gonna see him sometime soon, he's so nice! eeeeeee.


Not too much else to report, am stressing atm alot so haven't had chance to comment on people's journals but i have been reading them all! Seriously I have, mwahaha.

My mind was all over the place couple nights ago, I'm finding this a recurring theme nowadays. Used to be, bed, sleep, dead, wake up. Now it's, bed, think for ages, fall asleep with tv/stereo/phone in hand, wake up.

It's just over a week away until my mammogram. Shitting myself? Yes, absolutely freakin terrified. And I can't even manage to calm myself down, it's such a huge thing, it's not like passing an exam or having my tonsils out. This is a BIG deal.

I keep thinking about someone too. Like, maybe too much. I also think that there are far too many people that 'someone' could be, this makes me wish there was a dustbin for such occurances(sp?).

Also, spoke to gordo lots last night, he then called me at 3:30am wasted out of his head. Was a good conversation suprisingly altho felt like it would be lost when he forgets it all today. aparently he does remember it all tho. makes me feel good.

However, to be honest, no matter what he says or does, nothing will be 'right'. Everything is a kind of mess and will be for some time. As we agreed yesterday, the only good thing is that we know we'll be around each other for a long time, we'll always have the chance if needed.
I hope it doesn't turn out like 'my best friend's wedding' though. That would be super-gay.

I am far too lazy for my own good. Just because I didn't want to get out of my bed I'm not late taking back my camera's to college. I will now lose a ten pound deposit. Lame? Yes, yes it is.

I'm also having to take photos of a model today but said model may be late and therefore we may be late to college and miss the studio space. Blah. Also, I need to use candles and I worry someone may kill me as I'm not in foundation 'crazy people' space. oops.


I saw Brad again on Monday night, went to Reading just for him, yes, any excuse to get away from college work.
Was awesome, it's really scary how similar we are, just weird. I have the theory that it's because we're both Gemini's, I don't think he's come up with a theory yet, he's just going along with it.
Stayed at his because Melina is far too poor to get a taxi home to Bracknell again. And, did not have sex with him. This is why now I'm happy. Well, kind of.

Basically, he's awesome, I'm awesome, done deal.


Oh, and in other news, last night I thought I was actually going to die when having to take photos in town, alone, in the dark.
One man walked past me and i kept looking back to make sure he hadn't turned round or anything and then he did turn round and I thought

'Yep, this is it, he's going to say something to me, I'm going to get everything stolen off me, I may get raped, I may get killed, I wonder if I just give him everything he'll let me go unharmed. I can't believe I'm going to get mugged.'

And when I turned round again he wasn't there. Which frankly made me more scared than before in a way.
After walking through most of town I then discovered that both ways were poorly lit and could be full of potential killers.
I called Gordo when I saw someone in the distance and then kept jumping like a jack rabbit eveytime i heard a noise and let out a small 'yelp' occasionally.

Eventually I decided to take off my high heels and walk barefoot so no one would be able to hear my vulnerability.

Then I just did all my photos in front of F&B's because it's safe there.


I have to leave in ten minutes anyhow and i'm not ready so ciao!

I'm sorry if people do not want to read about this so i advance warn you now, this entry is about my night out last night involving drink, drugs and guys. if you're not interested i won't be offended.

So I'm still on this huge fucking high! But ya I'm starting to feel the comedown come on, I'll be asleep soon no doubt.

It started off being at Geoff's house drinking, had fun blah blah, his friend steve was chatting to me saying 'you fancy geoff' and i kept saying, he knows, he knows and steve was saying he didn't. yeah right, doesn't take a genius.

So went back home to get changed and came back out again with Geoff steve and roddy. Steve went home pissed that he had no pills or some shit.

So turtle was dead but things picked up and Christy finally came and she started talking to some random guy, I was with Geoff.

Kissed Geoff, several times, it was fun, I love having crazy nights, it all just adds up, I knew my feelings weren't involved and I told him that but eventually he just said 'we shouldn't, we're friends' blah blah, etc.
Still fun though but we're cool an everything =)

After that just drinking really, pretty drunk in a happy state, wondering around and all that shizzle, speaking to people i know and the like.

Then Geoff was speaking to this girl and it was annoying me how rude she was being but nevermind, started talking to a guy called Brad, then found out he's in a band called lower case J who i'm sure i've seen at the celler before.
He was telling me how he works in a hotel and i was laughing because we were both talking about the unsociable working hours and shit.
He told me he had to leave and we kissed, and he's such an awesome kisser, I'd already just about managed to type my number in his phone too, lol.
Hopefully he'll text me later, i know he's at work today =)

christy had gone off with some guy called Richard which was slightly worrying as i didn't know the guy and didn't know where the hell kendrick road is!

A little earlier i'd taken a bit of E and it did nothing, took the rest of it and it must have been about half hour or so later it kicked in, about 10 mins before i had to leave for my taxi! but me and roddy went downstairs and i just remember how amazing it feels, it's crazy! That's all i could say half the time, it's crazy!
We started kissing at some point god knows when then he told me i should stay at some randoms flat and so went back there instead.

Took another E and remember laughing hysterically at a bob Marley poster on the wall and just at the general situation!
Watched people take cocaine, was weird, then seeing people gnawking away, grinding on their teeth and for ages i was thinking, why aren't i doing it?
And then i did and it was such a relaxing feeling apart from unlike the others, i just clenched my teeth as opposed to going back and forth.

Was on a total buzz, couldn't really see a thing and remember looking at my phone at one point and I could see two and i couldn't focus on it, the writing was sooo tiny!

Spoke to Gordo at one point, god knows how, need to call him today and apologise and ask him what i was chatting about!

Later on I remember I was gonna have sex with this guy but i don't actually know if we did or not, how terrible is that, but i know he used a condom if we did! I remember talking about it but I think we may have both been too wasted, haha. Pretty sure we didn't.

Woke up several points freezing my ass off then got a jacket over my legs and was cool again.

got up, came back to Bracknell with christy, still clenching my teeth together even now which is quite funny although it's subsisding and I think I may go to bed soon.

It's actually one of the most awesome nights I've had and I need to do it again, I love it. Shouldn't because I said that's why I'd never do it in the first place coz i'd get hooked but nevermind. It's all good.

Love it.

Also loving that I'm speaking to all my cornish friends loads atm and i'm going to a party tonight as well, will be fun!

Hey guys, how you all doing?

In a bit more positive mood atm haha.

I have been eating a shitload of ice cream recently, all haagen dasz, mmmmmm.

College yesterday was a bit shortlived, i was really upset about my aunt, she died two years ago now of cancer, and people weren't in college, good friends that is. I'm also starting to think that my best friend is a bit of a shit best friend of late, not too impressed, not gonna worry too much though either.

Crazy times though, glad it's over in a weird way, i've been thinking and dreading yesterday for ages, i don't really understand why it's ok now but all i could think about was how it was mothers day and hearing the words and seeing her in my head while she deteriorated and remembering her funeral, how everyone wore something pink and the flowers on her coffin were pink and just remembering words and symbols, crying, the pain.

One of my friends from work texted me while i was in the middle of my phonecalls of trying to track people down asking if i was ok because he knew i was in a bit of a shit mood t'other day. I told him I wanted to get away from college people and he took me for pancakes in John Lewis, yum!

I had a pancake with black cherries, chocolate sauce, belgium chocolate ice cream and cream on, it was the lushest thing in the world! My new favourite thing to eat actually so i'll be taking regular trips there from now on!


I've also managed to get addicted to Facebook too, anyone else have it?

Also loving The gossip and The fray of late.


I might be going on a double date on Saturday night, I've never been on a date before that I can think of.... this worries me slightly especially as Claudia, the girl who's doing the setting up has never even met him...hmmmm.

On the other hand, my barman is having words with one of his friends who was checking me out when he came into work on Monday, hottie.

Last Friday was meant to go to Sheri's housewarming, did and was scared, Dan knew more people there than us! haha.
We left soon after comforted in the fact that Sheri was already drunk and happy. I felt like i was in the college ghetto with the gangsters sitting on the sofa just staring at people o.O

Went to the walkabout, was all a bit of a shit night but some of the music and dancing was fun and got to see Dan of course.

I need to put up some recent photography work next time, it's really buff and awesome, no fancy pants boring portraits and stupid conceptual photography of old people holding signs. No, this is good shit.


I'm hopefully going to visit my boy Jak at the end of the month, day after my scan, can't wait, haven't seen him in time.

Going out on Friday night for some hardcore craziness, big time, can't wait, need to go off the rails big time.

Anyhow, i have muchos work to do.

Ciao xxxxxx

I'm torturing myself, just reading about it and how much do I want to scream. I kinda wanna cry, just feel like saying 'it's over, kill me now.'

Not that it's made me suicidal, not that it bothers me that much but it's killed me inside, I just want us and I think it's because even if we were both in that place it wouldn't work.

I'm trying to comfort myself with the facts that we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, if it's meant to be it will be and more than anything I just don't want to not know him, he still knows me and I still know him inside out, I want to be a part of that.

My heart is shattered once again and I didn't think it could happen when nothing can be helped but I guess it's slightly my fault, i do it to try and make myself face reality.

I really don't know how Geoff does this. I say that to him.

I guess he's not in this position now though.

All i can think about is how I want to make love with him and know him again, I want to be with him and love him.

Why do things have to be so complicated, he's the love of my life and no matter what I can't find anger. We have one of those relationships, one of those love hate ones and

WHY, why oh why am I going through this, I don't understand the lesson to be learnt in this and I just want to cry and cry and cry.